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Dumbass Database
A collection of dumbasses for your amusement
Created By: WebMasterP
Version: 2.8.5

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Dumbass #153 - Submitted on 11-06-2003 by Doctor Beg
this one is dedicated to hp's tech support group and their "outstanding" technical knowledge, since i have to do Tier 2 for their stuff, i see a bunch of their problems:

i dont care how many motherboards or modems you request, or how many hyperterminal tests you run, HTTP 500 Internel Server Error is not a problem with the websurfing PC, break the error down to words you understand, "Server Error" comes to mind, "Internal" meaning not remote (such as the customer's pc)... put it together

if the computer boots up to two letter "LI", after a failed Linux load, this doesnt mean the hard drive needs to be replaced, try FDISK /MBR first, wow!

If Windows 98 (not second edition) reports that your Pentium 3 is a Pentium 2, tell them to upgrade their OS to one that was made after the cpu was released, or look in the bios for the CPU type info, windows **always** misreports info in some way... also notice that P4's are also reported as P2's, its almost as if (gasp) Windows98 was released before the Pentium 3 was

what? i replaced the customer's 80GB HDD with a 76GB HDD, not according the the drive manufacturer, 1 GB = 1,000,000,000, not 1,073,741,824 as windows uses, ask customer if they remember what it reported before, bet ya they didnt look, nor did they open the case to see that its labelled as 80.0GB, nor did they lookup that model to the manufacture's site to see the specs, or the disclaimer of the definition of a gigabyte, again... windows is outsmarting you...

do not request us to add 384k dimms so they can have UMB's, #1 its a problem of not having a memory manager to make the 384k available #2 384k dimms dont exist, notice that ram usually has a capacity in exponents, 4MB, 8MB, 16MB, 32MB, 64MB, 128MB, 256MB, etc (remember that for later discussion)

if you think the 128MB dimm is missing the 1 of 128 chips on it, causing windows to report 127MB, try figuring out if the onboard video is taking that 1MB first before you ask me to add 1MB to the DIMM, besides, think of how many chips are on a dimm? rare to find more than dozen?

64MB dimm is missing 8MB? wow, thats a bit better, but again, your onboard video is taking it, 8MB dimms are hard to find, nowadays... tell the customer about this new (and cheap) technology called shared memory architecture, its been out for years now

when you think the motherboard is "totally fried", try formatting over that virus first

errors in PCI.SYS doesnt mean the pci slot or card is dead, nor does ACPI.SYS errors mean the ACPI bios is dead, nor does NTFS.SYS mean the hard drive is dead, stop requesting parts, and let me run my ram diags to isolate that ram failure down to the bit... you cant isolate failures effectively over the phone with that crappy version of PC Doctor installed on most of your WinXP systems (if you can get it to boot that far)

if you think the ram or motherboard need to be replaced because the virtual memory is reporting a negative value, first think of what VIRTUAL means and what and where a swapfile for virtual memory is located, then think of basic programing problems, such as integer overflows, where Win9x will have problems reporting VM on drives with more than 32GB (32,768MB, sounds like a signed integer to me) of free space on them

if you think the lockups are caused by the ATA/66 hard drive and ATA/66 capable motherboard having speed colision problems due to running 40-wire ATA/33 cables, at least check the bios or have the customer open the case, to see if its running ATA/66, cause when you request the cables to be upgraded to the 80-wire, and its already in there, its kinda hard to stop laughing

if they are having problem detecting that modem or sound card, and you keep removing the defunct drivers in windows and it still wont load properly, try asking if they upgraded windows, cause i dont care how much data they have, its reload time before i touch the card

think PC133 will fix lockups on 810 based chipset motherboards, try looking at 810 specs, PC133 isnt supported, it will run that PC133 at 100Mhz, so i guess that theory of the "133Mhz FSB on PC100 causing lockups due to bottleneck" is out the window

onboard sound is gone, so the motherboard needs to be replaced... not!... try enabling it in the bios first, 10 second fix

motherboard's USB voltage is too low to have the customer add that 30 foot extension for the 9 foot mouse cord? try looking at the USB specs, no more than 10 feet for those low speed devices... duh!

cant connect to AOL? dont get me started...

computer dials, connects, however the internet connection is dead, dont care how many motherboards and modems you request, a subnet mask of 206.168.x.x just dont fly, did that fail the hyperterminal test to be sent in?

power supply fan needs to be replaced? ok, give me the part# for it, and i will replace it, but hp doesnt supply that, so i guess that means i replace the whole power supply... oops... why does that hard drive sound like a rocket engine, guess that expert opinion over the phone, i know whats going on, no need for Tier 2 to troubleshoot it is out the window... btw... the power supply fan is just fine, get over it

read your known issues, its amazing how simple things would be if you just updated the bios, i know ive updates bios'es several times to fix many known problems, over and over...

what me to tattoo that motherboard? okay... wow... this doesnt look like the stock board, guess that because the customer replaced the crappy hp one... even though tattooing will probably turn it into a lawsuit, cause it will basically act like a bad bios flash to it, and render it a doorstop... naw... should i proceed to tattoo it or just return it untouched... lemme decide, listen to my common sense or listen to the phone jock...

computer started the housefire?, wow... looks amazingly clean INSIDE the computer, doesnt look like the computer started it... but the black soot on the outside does confirms the housefire statement, half a point for your efforts, homeowners insurance should pay to have it replaced, not the warranty, duh!

the most amazing ideas of electricity occurs, such as lightning, oops, i mean power surges, skipping the power supply, surge protector, modem, etc, and going directly to the quantum hard drive to burn out a chip is a good theory, however does anyone notice that quantum hard drives has the highest probability of burning out this one chip on thier fireball series drives (nice name, btw), like i might see 1 burned chip on another manufacturer to quantum's 300+, since maxtor took them over, that problem appears to have disappeared on the quantum lookalikes when using that maxtor chip

sure, i can replace the motherboard, hard drive, cpu, and both dimms, for the lockups, but wouldnt it be easier and cheaper if i replaced the modem with the burn mark on the main chip first... at least i think thats what you mean, but its hard to tell, since i only get requests to replace parts, relying on your elite troubleshooting, 1 week of training, and expert on hands knowledge of computers (can you actually see or smell the customer's computer?), ive only been doing this for over a decade, guess i cant figure it out, these certifications dont compare to your training, i guess i am unable to fix the problem without your elite knowledge to hold my hand...

i like it when i get requests to remove the hackers from the system, thats nice, i opened the case to find noone living inside, not even a mouse, i tried exorcism, but it appears the hard drive needs to repent for its sins

driver memory error, guess the ram needs a driver upgrade... what?! you want me to upgrade the drivers of RAM?!, lemme start off to say that you didnt read up on the Kak worm

customer video card is bad? thats a good one for when the customer is describing a big hypnotic spiral formation on the screen, even microsoft has that virus documented

colors are all messed up, even in bios? needs new video card? wow, bios looks normal to me, guess the fact that the color scheme is set to high contrast black, wouldnt be the first thing to look for

display is out of focus, needs video card? oh wait, isnt the monitor the device that controls focus?

no video, needs video card? okay... lemme get my soldering iron out, and remove the onboard video chipset, should i ignore the fact that one of the dimms the customer added is installed backwards? or should i continue to burn a hole in the motherboard? learn your beep codes!

computer makes 3 beeps at boot, guess the fact that it doenst have an AMI bios makes that statement worthless, ooh, i turned it on, got 3 beeps, 1 long 2 short, that means alot more than 3 beeps, its actually in a pattern, means the video portion is having problems (onboard, pci, agp); again, think about it, if you record that info, at least make it useful

computer making a "dumping" noise? this one is easy... come on... think about it... their sound scheme is set to underwater... its the sound of those stupid bubbles... you want me to replace the sound card for that? get another job

oh yea... hp tech support has been messing up for years, seen better from packard bell

- Anonymous
Votes: 2

Author Comment
red squirrel
11-10-2003 @ 08:57 PM

Haha had a really good laugh reading that!
11-29-2003 @ 04:26 PM

that pretty much sums up level 1 techs everywhere, including HP, as a former HP tech agent i was constantly cleaning up from the damage caused by agents... mostly from the india call center.

they will hire anyone with a pulse for tech support... its sad.
Doctor Beg
12-05-2003 @ 06:39 PM

ok, theres alot more, however that is what i thought of at the time... i also get requests to replace video cards & motherboards if the display looks fuzzy due to a standard VGA driver loading

its amazing how many problems are caused by a standard vga driver, dvd's no longer play, windows performance is decreased alot, gameplay is problematic if at all, etc... however interpreting "BAD DVD" to be that they cannot play dvd's due to that video driver... well... you see why i may not replace the part that they are complaing of, or may replace a part that is really outside of their limited imagination...

get requests to fix the nic after it was replaced 2 times before with no testing, after doing some actual testing (Quake3 3-way), it was determined that it wasnt a problem with that pc... guess they are using the wrong cabling or got a bad port on the hub, or simply dont know how to setup a network

its also amazing how many requests we get to replace ram, cause its "leaking", i never seen bits fly out of a chip, however i would think that basic understanding of computers and any programming language(such as what you might get in high school) would introduce you to memory allocation, and the fact that lots of programs may not deallocate memory correctly, or not at all... reboot does wonders to fix this...there are many people out there that accept all that crapware that comes with their shareware programs that just sucks up all the resources and ram (the two are very different, however hp phone support doesnt know that) such as savenow, gator, bonzi buddy, comet cursor, downloadware, rapidblaster, not including having AOL, AIM, MSN Messenger, ICQ, and Yahoo IM, Kazaa, Morpheus, WinMX in startup (yes, have seen all of them load up, however it normally takes about 15 minutes to boot up the computer... amazingly it only takes me 3 minutes to reload the hard drive... so after watching the first 20 icons show up on the system tray, what do you think i want to do?

if phone support doesnt think software problems is their responsibility to fix, i dont think its mine either...

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