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Dumbass Database
A collection of dumbasses for your amusement
Created By: WebMasterP
Version: 2.8.5

Category: Tech support

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Dumbass #18 - Submitted on 01-20-2002 by hardwire
I was installing a hard drive for a customer & told him I could do it while he waited. I proceeded to remove the screws on the back of the case and begin the install. He stopped me and said "Hey, isn't that dangerous?" I didn't know what he was talking about and asked him to explain. He said "Can't you catch some kind of computer virus!?" It took everything I had to keep from laughing, as well as the other customers in the store!

- hardwire
Comments: 0 || Votes: 6

Dumbass #139 - Submitted on 01-21-2003 by FraggleAl
I am a teacher at a high school and have the misfortune of knowing a hell of a lot more about PC's than just about anyone else. We have this Yearbook teacher who was always screwing her computers up royally and she would call us any old time. Not a problem if I was tech support, but I was teaching and had 5 periods of 35 kids each day. She pissed all of us tech people off. After a while we just stopped helping her. Some of her truly great screw-ups:

1. She had just got a pair of new K6-2's (a while ago) from the local OEM computer store. She couldn't get the printer to work and couldn't wait for me to get over there during my conference period. She took it upon herself to pop the case and discovered that the LPT port wasn't plugged into the motherboard. She looked around the case and discovered that a place that it would fit perfectly. On the daughterboard slot on her video card. She plugged it in turned on the system, turned on the printer, and the system went down hard. Took the motherboard, video card and supposedly some memory with it. I almost died laughing when I figured out what she had done. The guys at PC Club replaced the whole thing for her. Morons.

2. My principal calls saying that this lady is having an absolute fit because she can't access Yearbook pages and today is the BIG deadline. He actually sends a substitute teacher to my room so I can attend to her problems immediately. I get over there and her external ZIP drive is not working. I boot up the system run all of the install utilities, nothing works. Check the bios, printer port is fine. Finally in frustration, I check the drive itself. She had wired the ZIP cable from the in from computer to the out to printer creating an excellent handle if you wanted to carry the thing around, not useful if you wanted Yearbook pages. Took me 30 seconds to fix, boot and verify. My students lost learning time for this walking pile of earthworm excrement.

3. The final straw. She desperately needs a computer- TODAY. We are a poor inner city school with no money. We don't have computers lying around for the Yearbook lady's monthly PMS fit. So after another phone call from the principal, I raid the business donation pile. Old computers donated to us by government and business that usually require 5-6 man hours to get a single stable useful machine. I spend the day getting a 486-25 ready for her. End up canibalizing 3 computers. I take it to her during 6th period and she yells at me because the damn thing doesn't have a CD-ROM or sound card. I just spent my day putting this perfectly functional machine together for her and she yells at me. I turned around took the computer dropped it off in my principal's office and told him that I wanted nothing else to do with tech support.

That year we got a digital high school grant to modernize our technology and network infrastructure. As part of the plan we hired a full-time tech. She does the same crap to him. He hates her more than I do.

- Anonymous
Comments: 2 || Votes: 5

Dumbass #90 - Submitted on 02-04-2002 by Slappy Hooper
I am manager of a small computer store in Cedar Rapids, Ia. I Have seen and heard many, many stupid things, but the one that still gets me was this situation.

(phone rings)
Coworker: "Computer ******, how can I help you?"
lady: Yes, my modem got struck by lightning, how much does it cost to repair it?
Coworker: Ma'am, you don't repair modems once they're damaged, you have to replace them
lady: oh, well how much for a replacement modem?
Coworker: they run about twenty five to fifty dollars depending on the model.
lady: oh, that's all? well what should I do with my old computer?
coworker: throw it out. It can't be repaired.
Lady: Ok, I'll throw it out and stop in later on today.
the lady walked into our store a few hours later, and.....
lady: Hi! I'm the one that called you about a new modem a few hours ago. Where are they?
Coworker: They are right over here(shows her modems)
Lady: these aren't modems!!!
coworker: yes they are.
lady: no, no, no! those are modems over there!(points to some display computers)
coworker: Ma'am, those are computer systems. When you called, you asked me about replacing a modem.
Lady: OH NO(runs out of store)

The lady ran out of the store, but came back in a few hours to bring her computer in for repair.
She ran out so fast the first time, because she had thrown her computer out, and that day happened to be trash collection day.

I see a huge amount of people who think this though
Modem=Computer tower
hard drive=Computer tower
processor=Computer tower(for instance "I have a pentium tower" who makes it? "Pentium!" no, what brand. who is the manufacturer? "I told you, Pentium!"
Bottom line, wise up people!

- Stephen Rivera
Comments: 0 || Votes: 4

Dumbass #50 - Submitted on 02-02-2002 by Nonsequitur
I work for a company that sells,services, and installs Point of sale systems and was on a service call to one of our customers that runs a liquor store. A recent thunderstorm had fried a monitor on one of the Backoffice computers and I had brought a new monitor to replace it with. When I arrived I replaced the blown monitor and checked the computer to see that it was functioning properly. As I was filling out my ticket and getting ready to leave, the manager, an older Blonde headed lady, came over and pointed at the blown monitor I had sat on the floor and asked what I was planing to do about that.

I said "Well, If your insurance company needs it keep it for them, or you can just toss it in the dumpster, because it is trashed." she looked at me all serious like and said. "What do you mean it's trashed, what about all my reports and spread sheets? Didn't you backup the monitor before you put the new one on?" Holding back my laughter I asked, "What?" she said, "Did you get all my work out of the monitor before you put the new one on?" I paused for a moment and then I explained to her that the monitor was like her TV at home it was just a means to display pictures and even though the TV had people on it, they were not actually inside the TV, and her monitor was just displaying what the computer told it to. To which she replied, "Oh, ok..."

I told this to the guys at the Office and they all got a kick out of it.

- Anonymous
Comments: 0 || Votes: 4

Dumbass #48 - Submitted on 02-01-2002 by g1mp
I am a former Gateway employee from their technical support department. After getting a promotion of sorts I was the guy who snooped in on calls for the company and was the first "supervisor" who you'd talk to if you don't like the representative you had to deal with.

I once had the honor of listening in on a call where a technician was having a female customer clear the CMOS NVRAM due to a hardware detection issue. Bear in mind when technicians have customers open the case over the phone there is a 50% chance bad things will happen.

Anyways, the technician told the customer she had to move a blue jumper over to clear the CMOS NVRAM. The customer said she had to get a different screwdriver to do what the technician wanted, so she left the phone for a moment. I was puzzled at this being as the case was already open and no other screws were necessary to remove, much less a card.

The customer comes back, she picks up the phone, and proceeds to pop the soldered Intel EEPROM chip off her motherboard with a flathead screwdriver.

Voided warranty.

- g1mp
Comments: 0 || Votes: 4

Dumbass #32 - Submitted on 02-01-2002 by ColinR
Was working at a customers head office, late 2001.

One of our guys had copied a file across to a new PC, but its icon wouldn't appear so he phoned through to get a bit of help. On the other end of the phone was another of our guys who said "Refresh the screen and it will appear".

Dumbass: "OK, I've done that and it hasn't worked - its still not there."

Phone: "I've done this loads of times and it always works. Try again."

Dumbass: "Nope."

Phone: "I'll come down and have a look."

The guy on the phone went down and clicked "refresh" and sure enough the icon appeared.

Dumbass: "Ooooooh, I was refreshing it like this..." and he clicked the monitor's power off and back on again.

- Anon
Comments: 0 || Votes: 4

Dumbass #44 - Submitted on 02-01-2002 by prence
I was working for a small local isp for quite a while until one unfortunate incident came up. A woman called in and told me she kept getting an error when she tried to boot up. We went thru everything i could think including asking her if there was a floppy in the computer until after about 55 minutes on the phone she said "There is a disk in the drive, should that be there?" I responded "I thought i asked if there was a floppy in there", and she said "You did, there isn't a floppy anywhere, its a disk". I had been having a pretty bad day and responded with "oh you fucking moronic bitch". She then talked to my supervisor and had me fired. Who was the bigger dumbass? Her for not knowing floppy = disk or me for cussing out an old lady and losing my job?

- some lady
Comments: 0 || Votes: 3

Dumbass #19 - Submitted on 01-23-2002 by zombie
I work in a retail computer store as a tech, and we had a customer come in who had purchased a new hard drive, that wasn't working quite as well as it should... Also there was a burning smell from inside the case. Upon inspection, the customer had attached a floppy drive power cable to the 4 columns of HDD jumper pins, and it was shorting out quite badly... The drive was fine, once the jumper cap was replaced, the floppy power cable removed and the customer was castrated.

- Anonymous
Comments: 0 || Votes: 3

Dumbass #157 - Submitted on 03-29-2004 by Zidewinder
I have been having latency problems on my Verizon DSL for some time now, and cannot get tech support to help me. Her eis thae latest call, probably the most retarded yet:

VZ: How may I help you?

Me: I am having real bad latency problems with my DSL for the past month or two, my ping to my default gateway is around 50ms all the time etc.

VZ: Are you running a firewall?

Me: Umm yes I run ZoneAlarm, and a router.

VZ: Well we don't support firewalls or routers (WTF?!!? Do they WANT their customers becoming spam-bots and unknowing distributors of kiddy pr0n?? ) and since you're using them I cannot even ping your computer since they block everything.

Me: No, I have them set to allow pings.

VZ: No sir, they block everything coming into your computer, they act as a roadblock and [babbling snipped].

Me: Well actually I have them set to allow pings, so you can do it, believe me.

VZ: No, [5 minutes of false education on the functions of a firewall snipped].

Me: LOOK mam, my IP is, you CAN ping me, go ahead and try it.

[minute long pause]

VZ: And what is the IP of your default gateway?

Me: ...Uh, but did pinging me work?

VZ: Yes it was 100%.

Me: ...

VZ: Okay your default gateway was 100%.

Me: ...But what was the ping time?

VZ: It came back 100%.

Me: No I mean what was the roundtrip time, how long did it take??

VZ: It took about 123 ms.

Me: Well it takes 50 for me and both those are extremely high.

VZ: No sir, and if there was a problem it would be timing out.

Me: ......No it might just be REAL SLOW.....

VZ: No sir if there was a problem it would come back timed out until it got to 50% and then it would just stop.

Me: Hehehe oh god. Can I please talk to a supervisor?

VZ: Sure, I'm sorry I wasn't able to help you.

[click, 10 second pause]

VZ: The estimated wait time for a supervisor is about 15 min, do you want to wait that long?

Me: God no, I'll call back some other time.....

VZ: Thank you for calling Verizon etc. etc......

Me: *ka-chick*

Me: *shoots self*

- Verizon Support: Natasha (or something like that)
Comments: 0 || Votes: 2

Dumbass #153 - Submitted on 11-06-2003 by Doctor Beg
this one is dedicated to hp's tech support group and their "outstanding" technical knowledge, since i have to do Tier 2 for their stuff, i see a bunch of their problems:

i dont care how many motherboards or modems you request, or how many hyperterminal tests you run, HTTP 500 Internel Server Error is not a problem with the websurfing PC, break the error down to words you understand, "Server Error" comes to mind, "Internal" meaning not remote (such as the customer's pc)... put it together

if the computer boots up to two letter "LI", after a failed Linux load, this doesnt mean the hard drive needs to be replaced, try FDISK /MBR first, wow!

If Windows 98 (not second edition) reports that your Pentium 3 is a Pentium 2, tell them to upgrade their OS to one that was made after the cpu was released, or look in the bios for the CPU type info, windows **always** misreports info in some way... also notice that P4's are also reported as P2's, its almost as if (gasp) Windows98 was released before the Pentium 3 was

what? i replaced the customer's 80GB HDD with a 76GB HDD, not according the the drive manufacturer, 1 GB = 1,000,000,000, not 1,073,741,824 as windows uses, ask customer if they remember what it reported before, bet ya they didnt look, nor did they open the case to see that its labelled as 80.0GB, nor did they lookup that model to the manufacture's site to see the specs, or the disclaimer of the definition of a gigabyte, again... windows is outsmarting you...

do not request us to add 384k dimms so they can have UMB's, #1 its a problem of not having a memory manager to make the 384k available #2 384k dimms dont exist, notice that ram usually has a capacity in exponents, 4MB, 8MB, 16MB, 32MB, 64MB, 128MB, 256MB, etc (remember that for later discussion)

if you think the 128MB dimm is missing the 1 of 128 chips on it, causing windows to report 127MB, try figuring out if the onboard video is taking that 1MB first before you ask me to add 1MB to the DIMM, besides, think of how many chips are on a dimm? rare to find more than dozen?

64MB dimm is missing 8MB? wow, thats a bit better, but again, your onboard video is taking it, 8MB dimms are hard to find, nowadays... tell the customer about this new (and cheap) technology called shared memory architecture, its been out for years now

when you think the motherboard is "totally fried", try formatting over that virus first

errors in PCI.SYS doesnt mean the pci slot or card is dead, nor does ACPI.SYS errors mean the ACPI bios is dead, nor does NTFS.SYS mean the hard drive is dead, stop requesting parts, and let me run my ram diags to isolate that ram failure down to the bit... you cant isolate failures effectively over the phone with that crappy version of PC Doctor installed on most of your WinXP systems (if you can get it to boot that far)

if you think the ram or motherboard need to be replaced because the virtual memory is reporting a negative value, first think of what VIRTUAL means and what and where a swapfile for virtual memory is located, then think of basic programing problems, such as integer overflows, where Win9x will have problems reporting VM on drives with more than 32GB (32,768MB, sounds like a signed integer to me) of free space on them

if you think the lockups are caused by the ATA/66 hard drive and ATA/66 capable motherboard having speed colision problems due to running 40-wire ATA/33 cables, at least check the bios or have the customer open the case, to see if its running ATA/66, cause when you request the cables to be upgraded to the 80-wire, and its already in there, its kinda hard to stop laughing

if they are having problem detecting that modem or sound card, and you keep removing the defunct drivers in windows and it still wont load properly, try asking if they upgraded windows, cause i dont care how much data they have, its reload time before i touch the card

think PC133 will fix lockups on 810 based chipset motherboards, try looking at 810 specs, PC133 isnt supported, it will run that PC133 at 100Mhz, so i guess that theory of the "133Mhz FSB on PC100 causing lockups due to bottleneck" is out the window

onboard sound is gone, so the motherboard needs to be replaced... not!... try enabling it in the bios first, 10 second fix

motherboard's USB voltage is too low to have the customer add that 30 foot extension for the 9 foot mouse cord? try looking at the USB specs, no more than 10 feet for those low speed devices... duh!

cant connect to AOL? dont get me started...

computer dials, connects, however the internet connection is dead, dont care how many motherboards and modems you request, a subnet mask of 206.168.x.x just dont fly, did that fail the hyperterminal test to be sent in?

power supply fan needs to be replaced? ok, give me the part# for it, and i will replace it, but hp doesnt supply that, so i guess that means i replace the whole power supply... oops... why does that hard drive sound like a rocket engine, guess that expert opinion over the phone, i know whats going on, no need for Tier 2 to troubleshoot it is out the window... btw... the power supply fan is just fine, get over it

read your known issues, its amazing how simple things would be if you just updated the bios, i know ive updates bios'es several times to fix many known problems, over and over...

what me to tattoo that motherboard? okay... wow... this doesnt look like the stock board, guess that because the customer replaced the crappy hp one... even though tattooing will probably turn it into a lawsuit, cause it will basically act like a bad bios flash to it, and render it a doorstop... naw... should i proceed to tattoo it or just return it untouched... lemme decide, listen to my common sense or listen to the phone jock...

computer started the housefire?, wow... looks amazingly clean INSIDE the computer, doesnt look like the computer started it... but the black soot on the outside does confirms the housefire statement, half a point for your efforts, homeowners insurance should pay to have it replaced, not the warranty, duh!

the most amazing ideas of electricity occurs, such as lightning, oops, i mean power surges, skipping the power supply, surge protector, modem, etc, and going directly to the quantum hard drive to burn out a chip is a good theory, however does anyone notice that quantum hard drives has the highest probability of burning out this one chip on thier fireball series drives (nice name, btw), like i might see 1 burned chip on another manufacturer to quantum's 300+, since maxtor took them over, that problem appears to have disappeared on the quantum lookalikes when using that maxtor chip

sure, i can replace the motherboard, hard drive, cpu, and both dimms, for the lockups, but wouldnt it be easier and cheaper if i replaced the modem with the burn mark on the main chip first... at least i think thats what you mean, but its hard to tell, since i only get requests to replace parts, relying on your elite troubleshooting, 1 week of training, and expert on hands knowledge of computers (can you actually see or smell the customer's computer?), ive only been doing this for over a decade, guess i cant figure it out, these certifications dont compare to your training, i guess i am unable to fix the problem without your elite knowledge to hold my hand...

i like it when i get requests to remove the hackers from the system, thats nice, i opened the case to find noone living inside, not even a mouse, i tried exorcism, but it appears the hard drive needs to repent for its sins

driver memory error, guess the ram needs a driver upgrade... what?! you want me to upgrade the drivers of RAM?!, lemme start off to say that you didnt read up on the Kak worm

customer video card is bad? thats a good one for when the customer is describing a big hypnotic spiral formation on the screen, even microsoft has that virus documented

colors are all messed up, even in bios? needs new video card? wow, bios looks normal to me, guess the fact that the color scheme is set to high contrast black, wouldnt be the first thing to look for

display is out of focus, needs video card? oh wait, isnt the monitor the device that controls focus?

no video, needs video card? okay... lemme get my soldering iron out, and remove the onboard video chipset, should i ignore the fact that one of the dimms the customer added is installed backwards? or should i continue to burn a hole in the motherboard? learn your beep codes!

computer makes 3 beeps at boot, guess the fact that it doenst have an AMI bios makes that statement worthless, ooh, i turned it on, got 3 beeps, 1 long 2 short, that means alot more than 3 beeps, its actually in a pattern, means the video portion is having problems (onboard, pci, agp); again, think about it, if you record that info, at least make it useful

computer making a "dumping" noise? this one is easy... come on... think about it... their sound scheme is set to underwater... its the sound of those stupid bubbles... you want me to replace the sound card for that? get another job

oh yea... hp tech support has been messing up for years, seen better from packard bell

- Anonymous
Comments: 3 || Votes: 2

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